When I was 19, strolling about the Kent State University campus, a question arose out of the blue: “Who would I be without all my conditioning?” I knew this was significant, but I had no clue what to do with that thought. I let it be for a time, though never entirely forgot it.
Meanwhile, in the search for lasting love and happiness, I put effort into enhancing myself. I set intentions, visioned an ideal future, did couples therapy, married, divorced, used substances, dreamwork, energy clearing, retreats, money, food, feminism, meditation, yoga…you get the gist. What an amazing, wild ride!
But no matter where I invested my energy, I still felt incomplete. The root of my struggle was untouched. Eventually, I realized no one and no thing would deliver the love and happiness I longed for. Moreover, I suffered a case of mis-taken identity.
“Who am I without my conditioning?” This question, which had remained in my peripheral vision, became a steady light. Finally, I began to deeply contemplate what it points to. Sacred cows of self-definition, identity and long held certainties were up for examination.
I’d had moments of perfection, when I wasn’t looking for anything more outside of myself to complete the experience. I’d thought such grace was generated by who I was with or where I was. Not so! I realized that in surrender to the moment, to what is, the search relaxes and contentment and love are found to be ever-present. The end of the search reveals unlimited happiness, love and peace to be our nature. Nothing was achieved, yet an openness to life as-it-is has supplanted the struggle to “be somebody.” Alignment with this non-conventional awareness is a life-long unfolding.
Life is simple. I care for my wee mini-dox, Lucky, wash dishes, cook a meal, work, play, tend to whatever calls for attention. Contemplating and creating visual art and poetry are mainstays. These musings evoke spontaneity and wonder for me. I delight in encouraging the creative expressions of others.
I live with the Luckster, so I’ve always got an awesome guru in the house! His mojo is strong and full of coyote-humor. Good medicine. He reminds me: just BE – this is the blessing and it’s simple. Don’t complicate your life. What Lucky says, that’s what I bow to.
Image: William Turner, Festive Lagoon Scene